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Once again, this was written a good thirty years ago
Space... The final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise…
If you are a Trekkie I don't have to continue any farther, you can hear Captain Kirk's voice reciting those famous lines until, without a shred of political correctness, he proclaims:
"To go where no MAN has gone before!"
I have just received a report from a Star Trek convention held in Buffalo, NY where someone brought a whole new meaning to those noble lines.
For those of you who don't go to Star Trek conventions, you will find many of the participants attired in full, Official Star Fleet Uniform. You will also find some member of the original Star Trek cast making an appearance, and in this case it was Scotty. Or actor James Doohan when out of uniform. Scotty was happily posing for pictures with those in attendance, for a fee of course, he's no dummy and at almost over 70 has to think of retirement. So there he is, kissing the girls for the camera when he was presented with a dilemma.
A gentleman attired in Official Star Fleet Female Uniform joined the line. Remember the female uniform was designed in the 60s, and consists of a rather low neckline, mini skirted tunic and pantyhose. (Patterns and fleet specs are available in the Official Star Fleet Technical Manual published by Ballantine Books, by the way.) My reporter did not indicate if the person in question was wearing an Official Star Fleet Brassiere, but there was an instant wave of speculation as to what would happen when this Trekkie reached the end of the line.
As I heard this story the plot for STAR TREK XXXVII - WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE popped full blown into my head, and you, lucky readers, will be the first to hear it.
We open with the standard shot of the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, but every living soul on board is garbed in the Official Female Uniform.
KIRK: Mr. Spok! (Pauses while Spok turns and does double take) Green blush, Mr. Spok?
SPOK: I am not a human, captain. My blood is green.
KIRK: (Recovering) Mr. Spok, I need answers. Why has the laundry computer started producing only female uniforms?
SPOK: Captain, I have thus far been unable to obtain an answer to your query. I am attempting to run a diagnostic and will report further when it is complete.
KIRK: Very good, Mr. Spok. (Pause) Oh, and Spok.
SPOK: Yes, Captain?
KIRK: I want to know who programmed the replicators to produce enough falsies for the entire crew of this ship on such short notice.
UHURA: Captain, I have a report of a Klingon on Deck B.
KIRK: Don't worry, that's just Sulu. He always had a fondness for leather and spikes.
McCOY: Jim, I have a problem here. I have a rash of men coming into sick bay with 'female complaints'. Can't you get that pointy eared freak to do something with the blasted computers?
KIRK: We're working on it, Bones. Just be patient.
McCOY: Patient! I have too many patients. I already have six candidates for reassignment surgery so far this morning. Jim, I'm a doctor, but I'm not that kind of doctor!
SPOK: Captain, I have determined the source of the programming came from outside this vessel.
KIRK: Curious. Keep working on it.
(Hits communicator button.)
KIRK: Scotty! I need more power up here!
SCOTTY: Power Captain? We're docked in a space station for repairs. We aren't going anywhere!
KIRK: Not for the ship Scotty, for myself. The force field on this damn corset is about to let go. If I don't get more power the explosion will ruin my image forever!
SPOK: Captain, I have the answer. I have traced the source of the problem to the master computers of a giant entertainment company on planet Earth. It seems the crew of STAR TREK - THE NEXT GENERATION is tired of waiting for their chance to cash in on movies and have devised a remarkable plan.
Since most of our plots revolve around you making loud, macho noises and then seducing the female lead, they decided that changing your image would do us in. They programmed the laundry computer hoping to destroy your macho image and replace it with a more feminine one. If that didn't work (after all there are some females who might find our current mode of dress appealing) they planned to send the footage of this movie to the Federation Armed Services Committee and cash in on the current debate about gays in the military.
KIRK: Fiendish, Mr. Spok, but to no avail. If they succeed in canceling us we'll just start an afternoon talk show and we'll clean up!
By the way, Scotty did not pucker up.
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